YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
