i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
