I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
