Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
