did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
