I just pynch a tree in the face
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
