Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
