we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We need to rekindle our bromance
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
