Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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