There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
