glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
