i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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