And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
