I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
