he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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