this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Randomize
