I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
