Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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