every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
