Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
