david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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