i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
