the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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