i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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