Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Randomize
