I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
