So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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