you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
