Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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