Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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