you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize