I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
