Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
