I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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