So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I FOUND THE LEGS
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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