you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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