is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
