i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
