guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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