a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
