hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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