1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
