My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
