i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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