so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
