Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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