The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
