ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
