Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
