Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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