Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
