Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
