My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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