Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
