the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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