when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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