i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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