Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
