Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
