Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize