I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
