I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Randomize
